Are You Ask Culture or Guess Culture? This Communication Skill Is Life-Changing
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Most people don’t even know about this communication style, but if you did, you could solve a lot of problems in your relationships.
You can learn to improve relationships by learning how to identify whether you are an asker or a guesser. This is a communication style that no one is talking about, but if you learn it, your life can change for the better.
In guess culture style of communication, you try to put out feelers, because you don’t want to make someone uncomfortable by asking directly. You may hint at a request or subtly suggest something, and then only ask directly if you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. In guess culture you rely on shared cultural norms. For example in Greece, it is rude to leave food on your plate- it signals that you didn’t like it. In China it is rude to clear your plate because it sends the message that there wasn’t enough food offered. The subtleties of the culture allow for people to show respect and consideration for each other, but can lead to confusion for outsiders. Askers may hate this, but the reality is, a huge amount of communication is nonverbal.
This is Ask culture. In some families you grow up with the message “It can’t hurt to ask.” but you might get no for an answer. That’s ok. The messaging to this couple from the ask-culture folks was “Just be direct. If she gets offended, that’s her issue, don’t worry about it”. In ask culture you’re more likely to be clear, straightforward, but also to be perceived as presumptuous or rude. (The woman asking to stay seems to be from ask culture, the husband and wife both seem to be from guess culture)
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In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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